October 10, 2014

I won't feel bad that it's been a "year" since I last posted as I continue to come and go with this blog thing!  But lately, I've felt the need to "dump" what is in my head and heart and Facebook clearly is not the venue to do such things!  Of course, I will update on family but mostly this will be a place for me to vent and use the skills in writing God has given me! And those who take the time to read, will be up to them!

Recently Troy was updating his resume and writing a cover letter for a new position and I just had to be the one to write it (with his approval of course!)  This is not a control problem but I am a "maintainer" ! It was fun to have us sit together and hash out his life on paper!  And as I wrote, I was filled with pride of all the places God has taken him over the last 20 years!  Not because of "what" he was doing but because he obeyed the call to "go" each and every time.

This morning, as most mornings go, I have to get through breakfast in peeling open my eyes and awakening my body for the day. But with that comes along 4 children who need my attention, energy and basic excitement for life to be there at the table too!  One of ours, this morning, was not in a good mood either and things quickly escalated to a yelling match and he leaving the table without eating. Well, that just bugged me even more as I thought of his hungry tummy bothering him all morning at school while I could have prevented it by making him eat - even though I was the one to ask him to leave the table in the first place!

So I made him return while throwing down yet another consequence of him talking back at me of no electronics "all weekend". Oooh. I know, harsh. But it's the only one that hurts these days. But what hurt him more was the fact that called him a "brat" for his actions. My kids don't like that word as much as I regret it when it's said!  My defense mechanism screams "but they are acting that way!" But when they look at me with a "I can't believe you just said that" look, I want to suck back in every letter of that word!

I share freely with others my struggle with anger and what gives me some sort of comfort is knowing I'm not the only mom who struggles. What does need to happen that doesn't, is before I go downstairs each morning to greet the day (and my family), is to commit the day to God and to let him have everything and every word I am to say that day. It won't prevent problems - "you WILL have troubles in this world" - but that action does promise comfort and peace and forgiveness of places I step ahead of him.

In closing, I share a picture of this joy I brought tears to this morning but who I know loves me anyway!